The emptiness will haunt you

none of it is fair. i loved you with all my heart. you were the centerpiece of everything good in my life and i absolutely loved who i was when i was with you. i can’t seem to find even a little semblance of the man i was back then. i’m lost. i feel like i’m drowning, a ghost wandering my empty husk of a human body, a soul restless and in pain. the last few days have been better, but i think it’s just a little bit more difficult tonight. the rain doesn’t help. the rain makes me sad. i think of how your knuckles ache whenever its cold, and how i wished i could take away all your pain. i wonder if you’re wrapped up in the warmth and arms of someone else. all while i struggle alone in my own bed and in my own head. just thinking about how i lost something so great i feel i won’t ever be able to find again. you have almost all of my heart dionne kor, the rest of it barely pumps life into my dying soul.

emotionalwords:

(via 5weetsorrow)

tonight has been hard. some nights are harder than others. i just wanted to say i’m sorry. as much as i want to be the one to be there for you, i can’t help but feel like i can’t be that person for you anymore. you have no idea how much i just want to come home to you. to feel the warmth of your arms around my waist. to feel the touch of your skin. to feel the comfort of your voice singing into my ears. telling me every beautiful thing imaginable. i have tried every feasible way to cope with losing you in my life. i’ve drowned myself in alcohol to numb my head and my heart. i’ve kept myself occupied with countless conversations with as many girls as i can to give me some sense of comfort. i’ve distracted myself through work and friends and anything else i can grasp on to make me feel like i’m not drifting off into the uncontrollable current. and i know the only thing that will ever make me better would be time. i just don’t know if i want to ever be better. how could i let go of the most magical wonderful love i could ever possibly imagine? we were fucking perfect. as perfect as utterly, humanly possible. it’s so difficult to stop myself from running in the rain over to your doorstep, and pouring out every quaking emotion i feel to you. to tell you that you are the love of my life, and i dont want anything or anyone else other than you. i stop myself from doing so because i don’t know if that’s what you want me to do. i don’t know if you want anything to do with that part of your life anymore. with me. with my love for you. i don’t know if knowing just how much i ache for you will help you. i’m afraid to find out it may not be. i can’t take having my heart crushed again. i wouldnt be able to survive knowing you want nothing to do with how i feel for you. im sorry for the choices i made when i was struggling without you. i never meant to hurt you. i never did. i didn’t know what else to do and i still don’t. losing you in my life is the most painful thing i’ve had to try and overcome. i won’t be able to take it if i really lost you for real. you matter that much to me. i just wish i knew what to do to help you through everything you’re going through. because you always knew how to help me get through mine. and all i can dream of is for us to find our way back together and we can rebuild everything we ever had, and more. but i know that isn’t gonna happen. life isn’t a fairytale. our love story was as good as it got. and like all good stories, it must have an ending.

it’s been awhile. but tonight i just felt like i needed to pen this down somewhere. my thoughts are jumbled. a blurry mess. maybe this can help me sort my mind out. it hurts. it hurts knowing my worth will always measured by mere numbers. i never had the luxury of growing up in privilege. i am thankful for it, of course. it has shaped me to be who i am today. my value as a person has been the result of literal hard work of myself and those who love me. in my mind, the poor will almost always stay poor, and the rich will almost always stay rich. that’s how the system works to me. i’ve always known you were royalty. you are adored by those who love you. pampered and always well taken care of. almost every whim and want, satisfied. oh i wish. i wish i had that luxury. i am sorry i didn’t have that luxury. i’m sorry i can’t afford that luxury. i’m sorry i have many siblings to take care of. i’m sorry i was never the studious or hardworking type. i’m sorry i never got good grades. i’m sorry it’s harder for me to earn more now and in the future. for i am a pauper, and you are the princess. i should just be counting my lucky stars i have the opportunity to fall in love with someone like you. and no matter how rich i’ll ever be, i am still a pauper deep down inside. i don’t care too much for expensive materials. could never afford any, therefore i could never fall in love with any. but i did fall in love with you. i don’t blame you for loving nice things. you were raised with luxuries and you deserve all those luxuries in the world. you are the beautiful princess after all. i just wish i could give you all of that. i hope u know there’s always a chance i can’t. and if you’re not okay with that, i could never blame you. i will not be angry, or bitter. it is the least you deserve. but know that i will do my best to provide for you what you deserve. and whatever limited riches i have, i will give you whatever i can. and to you it may not be much, but it will always be to me. i adore you, and i want nothing more than to just be with you, no matter the circumstances. whether or not it is the same for you is something only you know deep down. again, i will never fault you if it is not the same. i’ve never had much in my life, and you are the crown jewel in my story. i hope you know that even though i may not ever be able to offer you other precious gems, i will spend the rest of my waking hours polishing the one i already have: you.

i hope that will be enough.